ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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