I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
