The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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