Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
