that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
