i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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