Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
