i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
