I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
