Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
