I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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