I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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