Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
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He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
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Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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