My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
