Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
