Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
