hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
