I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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