if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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