Heybabeimwearingurpanties
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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