the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
