Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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