I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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