Swine flu is the new snow day.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
