in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
