Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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