I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
