i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
