And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
