He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
