and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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