im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
