Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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