your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
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