Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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