I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
