I'm lost and stupid without you.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
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