Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
