I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
