If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
