sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
