i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
