Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
