let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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