i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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