APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
