I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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