Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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