also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
