So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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