Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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