My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Randomize
