That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
