Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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