drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
