A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
