Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
