you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
