When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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